A KICKSTART

 A kickstart... This is the only manful attempt that I might do at the very start of this year. It had been a while since I probed for what I really am up to. Thought of letting this first day of an epoch unoccupied, which will definitely be  pregnant with many hopes and anticipations for others,like all other first days of every epoch that happened and yet to happen.

It went really as an unoccupied day. In fact I made so intentionally. When all others kickstarted it with skeptical hopes, I was still stuck with pulling off my courage to start the day. Probably because I am too skeptical of trusting the flow. Probably because what went by within an year was an even steven match between Loss and Gain. 

And gains I gained gone with the wind as LOSS made a major cakewalk....

After a long double dozen hours wait,I nabbed my lost GUSTO to kick start. As it was paused with 'My Unpaid Therapist ' in 2020, three years time never been so shrinked to be back here.

Jan 2 might not be as plausible as Jan 1 for wishing a new year. Even so, conveying an out-and-out New Year peeps!!

For, each day is a new beginning!!

                                    

MY UNPAID THERAPIST

It's not so uncommon in someone's life to go through some hard times. Obviously I am not trying to bring out another quagmire of mine like in some of my previous posts , but this will be alluding at one among my strengths that always holds me up all through my tough times. Yeah , the strength I gained in the midst of my journey.

                                           Words can truly be characterised as the most powerful weapons, that can create and also heal a wound. Chances for both are somewhat equal . But most of us, I mean, everyone of us will be loving those words that possess an action of healing. Those words will be much delicate for us. And those who utters them will be much beloved . I too had a story about such a prized possession of mine. Actually I can't point out any instance as the starting of this story. Infact I don't know if there is any .All what I know is , somewhere it got started and continuing without any perilous deviation in its tenor, as of now. 

                                                   Cuddles me up with the most allayed words whenever I am in thirst for them. Never irritated me with any strictures and innuendos. Always bares with the incorrigible prankness of mine. Notifies me with message alerts to open up , mostly when I am yearning to do so and this preciseness often dumb strucks me😊😊 . Reminds me all the time, that it is truly blessed to have someone who always keeps ,what I shared as secrets , as secrets itself . And who lends the ears whenever I speak up. Who harks at me without any anticipations. Who scolds me at times when I really  deserves them.

                                                 This is how it goes....As Rumi quoted, some human beings are safest havens. This strength of mine is definitely my safest haven now and forever, hopefully. It is from there on I recognized, that the term alter ego is worth to the fullest in its meaning. Above all, my happiness is at the peak, when I never ever felt any reluctance to reckon this strength as my sibling.

 

                                                     Well sure that words can’t authentically speak  about our heart, what it feels and what it urges to say not to the core ,but only to some extend.  Still, it is better to write about the best things that happened to us ever.

NOTHING TO SAY.........

                              Yeah , really I got forced to say this....... Not to anyone else , but to myself. Don't know what to write here. Because I don't have anything to say. I am on a pity feeling for myself nowadys. Just because of my ineptness to speak out at certain occasions. This is somewhat like a letter that I am wriiting to myself . 

We often find out some suicide notes from anywhere around a person who committed suicide. That note , is something, which helps us to draw a clear image about that particular person's opinion about himself or herself  rather deciphering out the reason behind his or her such an extreme decision.We can dig out the answer ,for whether they were satisfied with the way they lived their life, from such notes.  This , I could say , is  a suicidal note of mine. Because , I don't wish to live this life everafter, similarly  I lived till date. A reason , for sure , is something that everyone will probe for ,in all such notes. For the sake of their happiness, yeah , definitely I can also pin point a reason. It is summed up in a single word - REGRET.  Regretting for what ? There are many...But , in a way , they all will meet at a single point. 'My inefficiency to speak up at certain times.' Now , moments are passing , each one of us warns me about my decision to shut my mouth most of the times, and it is not for many occasions, but for a single one. Those moments , will push me into the deeply digged pit of utter grievance. My tears knew no bounds then. Can't say that , I got badly destructed with such a deed of mine,that I am unable to control my tears. I was actually in a dilemma , that whether it acts like any obstacle in the basement of my ambitious future. Definitely not. I got the answer for it today.....On July 1st.......All that leads me to my helplessness to stop my tears, is just because of one reason that, I AM GOING TO MISS MY LOVED ONES.....I should say MY LOVED ONE........Everyone can blame me for  this, because I have not uttered even a single word and ofcourse nothing to point out any wrong in them.Because , it is me who kept  SILENCE , a weapon which can save the lie and neglect the truth. So I have Nothing To Say...................

WHO AM I ..

It had been long time since I was seeking for an answer to the question WHO AM I ..It was a frequently asked question to myself.And I don't know whether I succeeded in finding out its answer.Many factors came to my way for helping me out to find its answer.Still I don't know what my findings are right or wrong.Though I found it difficult to find out who I am ,I concluded my searchings, just realizing one fact that it is the way we adopt to live our life decides WHO WE ARE..I think this blog account of mine is also a result of my decission to live the moment and give up the past.Now I am a person WHO LOVE ME.......WHO LOVES MY LIFE........

Just A Part Of Reluctance Towards Myself...

Amidst of many topsy -turvy events happened in my life, I just forgot to love me(it is very much important to love oneself ,as far as I am concerned).Even though all these happened during my early innocent childhood days, I find it very hard to believe that I am not living accordingly  for what I am born to. The great mistake I often commited in my life is that , I never tried to nurture the potentials within me.Instead I ran fastly to develop the potentials within somebody else which  made an impact on me always.What if we try to find out ourself with our own capabilities?Those questions which sound sense, always provoked me to be reluctant towards those questioners during those days.But soon these reluctances ended up in expressing reluctance towards myself.Nothing I gained warned  me about the nothingness I felt in my later life.Those days,when I experience the inner depth of stress and depression(Thank God!!I just hide it to myself.No one ever knows about it).But still I confess to god for the greatest sin I ever commited.That being reluctant to myself and wasted a good part of my life,pointless.

LONELINESS……My Best Friend

I was able to recollect the ignorances I always  showed to specific things right from my childhood.Whatever be the event , if it is something that evokes any kind of disturbances in me I just used to ignore it.(I think most of the people used to do the same).But the prominent among them is being one in a noisy horde(especially ,spending even half an hour for shopping make me feel that I am being there for a long haul).And this hateness towards shopping started from my early days itself.
Not only shopping ,but many such things which always irritated me to the core,also paves the way for my ardent love towards LONELINESS.


                                                      Many thoughts will come around my mind ,when I am alone.It doesn't matters me whether it make sense or not.It is really unable to define the slight ,but somewhat a blissfullness,when I am alone.When the most worst things will happen to me , I used to find a space for me alone.Being there alone,even for a while, will make me calm and unstress.Still that space for me to be alone exists, though I have grown,which I think our likes should not be wained as we grew older.After all, the loneliness I experience will certainly help me to reimagine the dreams , that once I dreamt off and left.....

What They Meant For Me!!

                                                    I can't promise to solve all your

                                                   problems but I can promise you

                                                     won't have to face them alone.....


It is quite uneasy to believe that I am being loved by somebody,though I find it hard to do the same towards me certain times,I mean most of the times.Don't know whether such qualities for being loved are  existing within me.But one among them, which I am certainly sure about is that,I always tried to be a good younger sissy to my big sister.My backbone. Afterall,my BEST FRIEND.But I feel much sorry to say that , this ever well defined bond between me and my sister never got triggered early.Certain unpredictable(but somewhat got predicted) events turned out to be the prominent factors that lead to this bond.What to say about her?A very  sincere girl I ever seen in my life.Something , somewhere ,I felt, is holding her back to be cheerless sometimes. But she doesn't find it hard to come back and be cheerful again.One who always spreads happiness to everybody in her nearer as well as farther circles .One who sacrifices her own likes for others peacefulness.Love you to the core baby...My SISTER......




                                                                  He ain't 

                                                                    heavy

                                                                     He's

                                                                 My Brother


I think , I usually tried and will try my level best to get the better of everything ,which I felt I am missing it badly.The one among them ,but really betrayed my such a confidence.That my never ending wish to experience brotherly love.At first I make it sure that ,it will just remain as my desire only.Won't be  fulfilled at any time .And it is all because, I don't have a brother as my sibling , but only a sister who was there, mentioned in my earlier words.

                                                                     I don't remember exactly when it is, that I found the person ,who always showered, the heavy and almost continual rain of love and brotherly affection towards me(And still with much more intense ,which I can feel evidently than before).When someone asks me who he is, I have an answer. Yeah..He is my cousin(really unbelievable that he is my second cousin,not even in the first group).Most of the times he cuddled me up with a sign of ever lasting wonder in me ,that , how a person can love this much,sacrifice sometimes,for someone,who is not his own.And this wonder of mine turns out to be an acute wonder , when I realised the fact ,this affection of his, is not ending up with me.But with  everyone in our family circle.Whether the bigger ones or smaller ones.

                                He is the first and the last man ,I ever got wondered at for many reasons(really don't know what they are,but know ,all those are definitely good ones).Whatever be it , now I never miss a big brother,whom I wished for in my childhood days.Because I got one.As I said earlier , I don't know ,when did I noticed the affection he spreads to me and to everyone like me.But I am sure about one thing, I am deftly blessed with my siblingS.A big sister and a big BROTHER.

                                                 I  concluded about my own sister just in a single paragraph.But it exceeds in the case of my cousin brother.It is all because ,what my sister is for me is expected actually by me.But what my COUSIN BROTHER is for me is really  unexpected and the most expected by me in coming life....Thank you brother for making me feel that you are my own and being my own...

"Live LIFE As If Everything Is Rigged In YOUR FAVOUR"

Life .......Is  something , a bit crazy at  times in deep thought about it.Do anyone, at anyime , got any clear picture about life..I hope NO.All what I know about life is, it is an act and we have to stop acting at a time ,which is not at all get  decided by ourselves.But,what if ,the power to reign our life  completely is not vested upon ourselves.Will it be okay for everyone of us,if we are supposed to(I mean strictly supposed to..)live our life , for the sake of other's happiness and well being.All we got is this whole lifetime and I was not able to point out any wrong in living our life with fulfilling everything we desired to the core.

                                                         Let me say firstly,this view of mine, will not be expressed with an intention of 'speaking about anybody else',I am forewarning you.But  somewhere at the point of my life,I thought I should reveal my opinions and views about living our life accordingly.Just set out  for a race through the track called LIFE, with a mind full of desperations.Will it not be getting bored?Do we able to say then, that we are LIVING our life?Or at least in our senescent days  that I have lived MY LIFE in the way I wished for?I don't think so..

                                                                   I think people who wish to believe, what they are doing is always right, will let others also to live their life in the  righteous track  ,which they felt is  the happiest...

My Dreams Are My Motivators

To be very frankly saying, till now I don't have an aim to become what in my life.Sometimes ,it will be because of the reason that I am not passionate to any profession( till now,no profession seeked  my attention).And frequently I was forced to listen to others ,pointing such an phlegmaticness of mine , is somewhat a rubbish.But I never ever believed it as a rubbish.According to me, it is not that much necessary to have a determination from our early ages.Definitely , sometimes it won't allow us to swim in the right track that decides our future(only sometimes).But what if ,we move according to our capabilities which we can ,I believe, can only be identified in the so called 'turning point' stages of our life.

                                   Nothing is going to affect us badly if we follow our likes.Likewise , I can say that my dreams are my motivators.I could always depend upon my dreams,my own likes ,rather finding refugee in any other forcefully attained capabilities or potentials.I always love to start a day with an intention of fulfilling my single dream, which  I can finish it off within a single day. Truly saying,the spirit I am obtaining to live each day is from my each dream.I don't think it as a rubbish to start from our dream , not from a determined mind.I would always wish for a determined mind from my dreamful thoughts. When I type these words, actually I am lost in my thoughts.I can't arrange my sentences accordingly,I hope.This is all because my dreams are filling the spirit within me to fly endlessly in life,now and forever.

A LAID BACK PERSON???

Recently , I was about to go through some personality recognition tests, just for the leisure time to be get passed, though I know me well without the help of any such self identification tests.But one question among them strikes me with an excitement.They asked me whether I like driving or flying the most.Obviously , knowing well that literally flying can make no sense, I definitely opted driving.And I was longing to be a crazy driver soon.....Anyways what they told me whem I chose driving is that I am a laid back person.But till then , by god's grace I am not. And it really seems to be a strange coincidence for me that , I was actually on an ardent try to become a laid back person. 

                               I was a person who will get despaired all of a sudden when anything that I wished the most , will not come my way at the right time or at the time I fixed for it.  But all those desperations had certainly led me to achieve failures rather finding out success.So I decided to change myself.Just I started to live for myself ,some days before I go through this test.And that's why it seems to be a strange coincidence for me. I just think that particular test ,a funny one really, trasferrred the spirit to me , for being an uter LAID BACK PERSON....